Cosmique Focus Creations
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"Mom. I think I'm ugly"
The day I heard my six year old son tell me this, I could not believe my ears. "WHAT???" How on earth does such an idea get into a child's mind? He is gorgeous, beautiful, perfect! He is my son! Even before he was born and swimming around inside of me, I knew that I loved him. Before I saw him, before I got to know him, before anything ... I knew I loved him.
I tried to stay calm, and just asked him what he meant exactly. He said he didn't like his hair, his nose, his ears ... he just didn't like his face.
I asked him "compared to who? Everyone is different aren't they?" (note to self: take your own wise advice) He thought about that for a second, but then shook his head. No he was ugly. No room for discussion. Case closed.
All I could come up with saying was, "Well I think you are absolutely beautiful and love you with all my heart!" But that didn't change a thing.
It broke my heart right there and then hearing him say he didn't like his reflection in the mirror. It really made me very sad. That's when I realized ... he was being MY mirror!
My friend Merel van der Kloor is a "PresentChild" coach, and she had recently helped me gain some very valuable insights concerning my children's behavior. I always knew that my children were my greatest teachers, but Merel helped me to develop the ability to actually translate their message into one that makes total sense. I knew immediately that my son was reflecting my own self image back to me. The thing is, I believed that I worked on this issue enough and that I was pretty ok with myself. I had overcome my own battles and obstacles and gotten myself to a place of inner peace and acceptance. But that was only because I was doing everything "right". Living my life in a way that felt good enough to me. I was able to accept myself because I was behaving in a way acceptable to myself. I took good care of myself and so I thought "it's all good". Lets just say, I felt like I was meeting up to my own standards and so I felt good about that.
The cool thing about these "child-mirrors", is that they reflect our "blind spots" back to us. It's quite hard to deal with this if you don't "get the message", because you don't understand their behavior. However, that's why it's called a "blind" spot!
What has really helped me, is to at least ask myself the question, "What is my child reflecting back to me?". In the beginning Merel helped me out to "decipher the codes" and receive the message, but after that I really got the hang of it. Luckily I "got the message" very quickly, and I knew that I was going to have to take a closer look at the thoughts I really had about myself, hidden deep down inside. The idea of having "CONDITIONAL love" for myself, yet expecting my children to see themselves through the eyes of "UNconditional love" felt way too conflicting. It didn't make sense.
My feelings towards my children when I look at them are 100% true. I really do love them just as they are. So why do I still secretly look at myself with such criticism and judgement? Why do I set the standards so high? (higher and higher...) Why do I always find something that is not good enough?
It was time to really switch my focus completely!
I took a good honest look at my so called "perfectionism". Being called a "perfectionist" used to feel like a compliment. I thought it meant I was good at striving for nothing less than the best, and not stopping until everything was un-improvable (new word?) because it was absolutely perfect!
One day it hit me! The way I was expressing my "perfectionism" was way more like "endless-dissatisfaction-ism" The moment I realized this, I also saw the endless pointlessness of it.
How on earth was I ever going to feel truly happy about anything, if I am never going to decide i'm truly happy about it? Could it be so simple, as making a decision?
The word "perfect" seemed to have two different sides to it, depending on the inner interpretation. Different like, day and night or dark and light. One word, yet two personalities
The two personalities of perfection.
1- Striving for balance. The most accurate definition of perfection I ever read, was that perfection is when all elements and aspects are complimenting each other and working together so beautifully, that it is exactly as it should be. Nothing needs to be added or taken away. It is perfect as it is.
2- It doesn't matter what gets added or taken away, there is always something that needs to be added or taken away again and again. There is always something missing, or always something that is too much. It is never good enough as it is. Always find a reason why it is not perfect.
I noticed that letting go of the idea of being a perfectionist brought up a lot of fear!
What if I became totally "careless". What if I lost control of everything? What if I would just turn into a slob? A worthless mess! Fall to pieces! ... and so on.
Hearing me admit this to myself in my thoughts, I knew that these beliefs were based on fear, and needed some closer investigation.
The truth that ended up being revealed to me was that there is no freedom in the belief that I need to "control" everything. There is no love in the belief that I need to keep criticizing myself. I never said these things out loud when my children were around, but I didn't need to. Kids pick up vibes. They pick up information and they just know. Sometimes they don't even know that they know, but they pick up thoughts and feelings and start to express it in their own way. It's just like how my kids get extra hyper-active and act all crazy when I am really feeling hectic in my own head. The more chaotic I am feeling, even if it is just in my world of thought, the busier the kids are. This is just how it works as far as I have come to discover.
I started a process of deleting the negative thoughts about myself and making myself look through "new eyes". It took about two weeks, but then he stopped saying those things about himself and seemed to totally forget about the whole issue. In my mind I thanked him for reflecting this back to me and said I would deal with it. He didn't have to carry baggage around that didn't belong to him. Mission accomplished son! Thanks for taking me to that next level of awareness!
An important thing I realized, is that the reason why I can look at my son (both of them of coarse!) and see him as "perfect" is because of unconditional love.
He is my son and I love him no matter what!
So what I do now, is I imagine looking through the eyes of pure unconditional love. Whatever the situation, whatever it is that I am creating, or have created, or whoever it is that I am looking at
... I add the element of unconditional love. I myself, imagine looking through the eyes of my Divine Creator (or God, Source ...) but if you prefer, just imagine you are putting on these massive sunglasses with an "unconditional love lens".
Seriously! Try it. Choose something specific to look at and see it through this lens! Just notice what you see. How does it look and feel different?
Let me tell you what I see;
I see that everything and everyone has a true essence that is being hidden by circumstances, behavior, an outer appearance and a lifetime of conditioning. I see that there is such a thing as "perfect timing" for each individual on their life path. I see that we are all "on our way" and all unfolding and expanding our consciousness in our own unique way and pace. I see that we sometimes create things when we are feeling out of balance or out of alignment from our higher purpose and true selves, but I see this as a learning experience. I see that once I identify something as "misaligned" it can be restored with intention and focus. Just get back into the flow, back on track, and do it again. I see that there are no judgmental thoughts. There is acceptance. There is trust. There is faith. There is "allowing". I see that this "allowing" is the opposite of "controlling". Allow everyone to have their own experiences and vision in life. Stop trying to control the way people think and feel, especially about you. Stop worrying what people think and feel about you. Keep your eyes focused on what is truly important to you. Be in the flow of freedom ... the freedom to be you, and love it!
"I choose to be happy"
So you see, my conclusion is that being horribly judgmental is not going to have a positive effect on our physical and emotional and state of being. It's going to push us further away from ever being happy with who we are. I choose to smile at myself and be kind! I choose to focus on all the things I have to be grateful for. I may say it often, but it's true ... focus is the key!
I did a very interesting home experiment on the power of thought and the effect of thought energy. The results were amazing! It really backs up this whole story.
Check out my next Blog! Coming soon ...
"Experimenting with the power of Thought Energy"
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